20 something crisis

I remember reading a forwarded email regarding the "20 something crisis" or I simply call it the "yuppie crisis". This is what's happening to me right now. I have a high paying job but I am still not happy with the way things are going...

First, I am not happy with my colleague. As a friend, she is really great. Hands up to her. But as a supervisor, I do not like the way she runs things in the office. Her idea of being a supervisor is to give ALL her work to me. I'm a sales executive, secretary, messenger, name it I do it all. I even ran errands for her personal stuff! Pay her credit cards and all. Yes I know partly I am to blame because I can not say NO to her.

I am still trying to look for another company but luck is not with me. I am qualified but they can not match my existing compensation package! My sister tells me to be patient but I really wanted to resigned from this company. I wouldn't want to resign if there's no replacement work yet though.

I feel alone as my apparently so-called true friends is not what they seem to be...true. One of my best friends picked a guy over me! After what I have done to her, proving that I am a true friend to her. Its not because I'm making "sumbat" or anything, its just that when I needed her most, she was not there for me. When she was dumped by her boyfriend before she delivered her baby, I was there beside her bed. I was there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Maybe it depends on the individual if she prioritizes friends over guys. I for one give more importance to my friends and family over guys. Family and friends are always there for me but for guys...they come and go. They were only there during my happy moments but for my darkest days, my friends were always there.

Last year, my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. I gave him my life, my time, everything...because I was serious with him...as a return, he cheated behind my back...It's really hard for me, until now I have not moved on..My brain tells me that I'm moving on with my life but my heart screams out that I still love him in spite of what he did to me. There were nights where I desperately wanted to call him and beg him to come back but it was a good thing that pride always takes over. I am 27 years old and as much as possible, I want my next relationship to be the last one. Every time I see young couples with babies, I really can't help but to secretly cry. I'm jealous because they are happy..I am in the right age to marry. I even pictured my ex-boyfriend to be the father of my children...As usual, luck is not on my side...

Every night I ask myself if I would be able to surpass all this. I always ask myself if I am strong enough to deal with this. Come to think of it, its not a big problem really compared to the less fortunate people but I feel like the weight of the world is on me..My faith is being questioned now. Do I have a strong relationship with the Lord? If I have faith in Him, why am I questioning what's been happening to me? It came to a point that I was angry with Him and I hate myself for that.

Sometimes I wish that the earth would swallow me whole so I could forget about my problems..Sometimes I wish I could be in an accident and I would be comatose for a month so I could just lay down in bed thinking about nothing..If I only have money so I could get out of the country and leave everything behind...I'm thinking and wishing about all these because I AM A FUCKING COWARD!!!